HOUSISMS: The sarcastic wit of Dr. Gregory House.
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“Everybody lies.” - practically every episode but the first was in Pilot
"There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is --- in fact --- a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate."
"Lies are like children: they’re hard work, but it’s worth it because the future depends on them." - It's A Wonderful Lie
"Like I always say, there's no 'I' in team. There's a 'me,' if you jumble it up." - DNR
"No, if you talk to God you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic." - House vs. God
"Never is just reven spelled backwards." - Act Your Age
"Well, like the philosopher Jagger once said, 'You can’t always get what you want.'" - Pilot
"If I was kidding I'd be dressed like you" - House's Head
"I only became a doctor because of the movie Patch Adams" - Ugly
"I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am THAT good."
"Slutty party girl is fun until she pukes on her shoes -- then she's just a pain in the ass."
"The Cripple Boys. We should start a band."
"It's not what you think! I know it looks like we're washing dishes, but we're actually having sex." - Hunting
"Sex...could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent, it's ugly, and it's messy, and if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun...the human race would have died out eons ago. Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. You know women can have an hour long orgasm?"
Cuddy: "Is that Vicodin?"
House: "Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me." - 312: One Day, One Room
"People don't get what they deserve. They just get what they get, and there's nothing any of us can do about it." - Instant Karma
"Religion is a symptom of irrational belief and groundless hope."
We can't ignore the blood because it is a minority, can we Foreman? - "Resignation"
"Occam's Razor. The simplest explanation is almost always somebody screwed up.
"I teach you to lie, cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back's turned you wait in line?- Failure to Communicate
“Treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.” - Pilot
"To do what I always do in these situations. Treat my patient behind his back and make him better." - Ugly
"Don't worry. Many women learn to live with this parasite. My own mother, for example. Forty-five years and she only complains about it now from time to time." - Maternity
"Seizures are fun to watch, boring to diagnose." - Forever
Cameron: "Could pain medication cause an orgasm?"
House: "I wish."
Foreman: "You stash your drugs in a Lupus text book."
House: "It's never Lupus." - Finding Judas
"I've been a Doctor for years why do I have to keep assuring people I know what I'm doing?" - Damned if you Do
Team: "We got rectal bleeding."
House: "What, all of you?"
"Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly. Always. You can live with dignity, we can't die with it." - Pilot
Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning. This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you are particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? - Paternity
"Half the people I save don't deserve a second chance."
Nun: "Sister Augustine believes in things that aren't real."
House: "I thought that was a job requirement for you people." - Damned If You Do
"Someone's gonna be miserable someone's it. That's how I stay so happy." - Mirror, Mirror
"I'm a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits." - Guardian Angels
Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it's great, but so you know, I've never made a tree." - Role Model
"You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to quit thinking."
"l'll be on your couch with a shotgun, in case you try to make a limp for the border."(Cuddy to House)
Awesome. A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search - Clueless
"I had a heart attack this morning. I can't do any more drugs till at least lunch." - Wilson's Heart
House: "You guys are thinking like doctors when you should be thinking like plumbers. Come on, I wanna see a plumbers buttcrack."
"Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one." - Forever
"Dr.Cuddy - The face that launched a thousand long faces" - Games
"Don't pin this on Christ, hes got enough nails in him..."
Cuddy - "In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him." House - "Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved." - Role Model